Why can’t I ever finish writing something? There are at least two dozen half written essays scattered over my hard drive. The goal is to publish some of these on this blog, but I never seem to get there. Something gets in the way. I find something else to work on. I loose interest in completing it.
I seek perfection.
I know that other people will see my writing (even though I don’t get many site visitors). I know that my ideas will become inscribed on the record of internet history. But why do I fear this? What is there to be afraid of?
The problem is that I know flaws exist in these ideas. My writing is not always clearly expressed. Sometimes I don’t even know what I am trying to say. It is this anxiety that others may notice these imperfections; that they will invalidate me in some way. I want to be heard, but will anyone listen to me if I can’t communicate with precision? Does it even matter if some random person on the internet invalidates my ideas? Will facts and logic destroy me? No.
I have a multitude of thoughts floating around inside of me. They may be half-baked, but that doesn’t mean they are bad. Discourse is ever evolving. A process where no one has the final say. No concept can be complete. So why do I hold on to this desire for perfection?
This need for perfection leads to my procrastination. The attempt to achieve the impossible only brings failure. This fear of failure stops some from trying. So the attempt is never made. However, the desire for to finish something is still there. So we tell ourselves that we will edit some more; switch a sentence around; ruthlessly spell check. We decide to put the prose through the meat grinder hoping it will come out better. But the meat is ground finer than before, and I am not any closer to what I am looking for.
My intention is for this blog to be a testing ground. A playground of ideas interacting and running around with each other. More congealed than the primordial soup of my brain. This blog is not supposed to be perfect. It is not the end all be all; the crux of my imagination. The holy grail that I search for is the (big B) Big Idea. This Big Idea will not precipitate out of one essay. Instead, it will take shape amongst many. There will be plenty of filler in between. Junk and cruft that will never go anywhere. The Big Idea does not simply happen (well, maybe it will come in a prophetic revelation). The Big Idea requires nurturing. It forms amongst the mingling of ideas within me. A dialectic exchange with the world around me.
This blog is just the starting point. This post—the tipping point.